pollysblog

has anyone been before? or heard much of it?

hey to all my ‘buddies’ on here- first off: an apology. sorry i havnt been on the site in aaages, just kinda forgot n then got busy n forgot some more!! so ive been pretty crap at supporting and chatting etc. but i promise to make more effort (tho im sure you’ve all lived n coped without me somehow lol).

so its been almost a year since my last blog. lots has happened. i moved to uni. i quit uni. im still living away from home tho- for about another month till i move home for a while. till i have enough money saved up to go travelling.

im still fat. as usual. still having issues.

 i started using coke last summer as an appetite suppressant. it worked. for a while. till about november when i took it for more than just a suppressant- i started taking for the buzz. and now i find myself constantly on it with no money. fun times. im not sure if this is addiction though? can anyone clear up for me what ‘addiction’ actually is? i mean- i Know what it is…but am  i addicted to coke? yeh i spend all my money on it n take it Lots (as in every day, all the time- work, nights out, general daytimeness),  But but But i can still hold down my job, i wouldnt steal to get money for my habit etc umm n i only took my first line mid last summer. idk- addicted sounds too strong. whatever, i guess it doesnt matter, but if anyone has opinions- i’d like to hear them.

 and before you say it- i know i was stupid to start on it. i know that. no need to tell me

 apart from that… ive lowered my goal weight (as in- made it easier to reach). i just wanna be 140. ten stone. average.

hope everyones been ok n surviving its always nice to hear from people- even if we’ve not really messaged much before

sorry for the long rambly post! will try to have more of a point to the next one. cheers for reading if you got this far x

ive had a message through from the runner of this site telling me to keep blogs clean because some one complained about me talking about the use of coke.

obviously the site doesnt condone it. obviously. i wasnt saying its a safe and easy thing and that everyone should do it. butthe thing that annoys me a bout the message is the fact that its MY blog. if i cant write what i really feel there, where can i write it? and whats Wrong with writing it? i can see its illegal to do the stuff but writing about it isnt making the post ‘unclean’. it isnt harming anyone else.

im sorry aboutthe rant, it just got to me.

anyways on a more positive note - i passed my driving test today with one fault!! was so so chuffed with that! was my second attempt and haha i teared up when he told me i’d passed. am still beaming! hehe get a car on wensday but till then i can use mums one cuz im already on the insurance. i havnt told my sister yet so i’ll pick her up from netball tonight and suprise her! i cant wait… though driving alone for the first time will be a bit nerve wracking!

i havent eaten today yet but am about to go spar cuz we have no food in the house at all.  hope everyones doing well, and i love hearing from you so feel free to message me whenever x

ok so after writing my last blog i had a shower and ended up throwing up in the shower (nice). got most of what i ate at home up i think, but obv theres no way to be sure. then i went to work feelin much better. i forgot how much better it makes you feel. even though it was just last week. those few moments of bleary eyes, sore throatness, streaming mascara and bending over the toilet are all worth it for the empty feeling again. not that im sayin its a good thing to get into before anyone picks up on that, its just merely my opinion on the state im already in and have been for years.

but i ate at work still and a little when i got home.

so monday is tomoro which means new starts. got my driving test too. scary stuff! actualy, its today seein as its gone midnight but never mind. and the new start i want to mean fasting and vegetables and if i end up bingeing, dont let myself get away with it without the consequences.

im tired now so i think bed is calling my name. i hope anyone who reads this is doing well and have a good week x good night x

ok so i fasted yesterday and then, after work i went out to a party n danced the night away and saw all the people i hadnt seen in ages and it was great fun and i felt really good. i tend to fast on saturdays cuz i always go out saturday nights. i laughed so much that my jaw ached. im smiling now thinking about it

 but today is a different day. im feeling a bit low. the weathers feeling my way too. looks a bit dull. had work earlier and got it again tonight, then driving test on monday. very scared. already failed once so dont wanna do it again . i hate failing or losing. argh, scary stuff.

ive eaten today and feel shit. it started off w some mint sauce at work. then potatoes in mint sauce. then an ice cream. and now ive just had loads of crisps and a sandwich. feel like shit. absolute mould. so so so guilty. weighed on friday and was 179. cant believe i let myself get like this, feel pants. and yet i still eat.

 if i didnt have an eating disorder, i wouldnt be this weight. cuz atm its all or nothing. and usually ends up being all. although i can detect this, i cant change it atm. i used to be so good aswell…

monday tomoro. if i pass my test, i’ll be driving to the gym every day and burning atleast 500 to 1000 calories a go. somethin to do w my time too. feelin so unfit atm. im rambling, i know. but i dont really care.

summer ball is fast approaching, nd i wanna buy a ticket and actually go this year, rather than buy a ticket and pull out cuz i looked too fat in my opinion. that was a rubbish night in. knowing everyone else was out havin fun and i was stuck in my room feelin sorry for myself. bleh. then its my birthday, then i wanna go on holiday and then uni starts. so much to lose for, so little time to do it.  im 9lbs away from my mini goal of 170, i could do that in what- a week?! easy.

 isnt it funny how things you cant tell anyone else- you can write on a blog on the internet. in one way its a good thing- gotta let things out somehow. but on the other hand i still tihnk its kinda odd. like for example: i have an eating disorder . a few people know that but i dont talk about it except to my best friend who also has one and we have the exact same mind set. except she had her first meal yesterday in three weeks. shes on holiday. bitch.

and another example- im gonna buy some coke to take. im gonna try it whether or not im advised against it. im not stupid. i know it can be bad for you. im not thick. its common knowledge. but i dunno if its the eating disorder or if other people who just diet feel it too- but im so desperate i’ll try anything. i said i’d never do drugs once, but i dont care anymore. i said i’d never give up alcohol , but i have in order to save on the calories. i said i’d never make myself sick, but i have done lots. laxatives, diuretics, diet pills, all sorts. and now coke.

and thats something i cant even tell my best friend yet. i will do eventually. but not yet. last night i talked to a friend who said he could get some off a mate for me. he dont do the stuff but he said he’ll get me some. so he better stick to his word.

im still new here, so if anyone is reading this and wants to chat or anything, im more than happy to. i’ll talk about anything and i’ll talk To anyone on here too.

i need to go shopping soon. retail therapy. (though lately it always ends in tears when i look in the mirror)

haha if you’ve read down to here- thanks for ‘listening’ to my rambles. i appreciate anytihn you have to say, though if its about drugs, im more than likely goin to disagree with you x

Ok so i set up my profile etc today and am looking forward to using it more as time goes on. i am goin to officially start and make a big effort tomoro, and im very excited about it. the support everyone gives and receives on here , from what ive seen, is so encouraging. wish me luck

I have so much to lose for- the summer,  summer parties, the summer ball my birthday, starting uni. and so much to lose. i think i’d give anything to gte back to my lowest weight, i really do… now im what… 65lbs heavier and it sucks. i hate being a fat girl. i HATE it. more than anything else.

ive had an eating disorder since i was 13 and got down to my lowest weight by not eating and over exercising. then i started with the over-eating, and now im bulimic. one big mess. how can something as simple and necessary as food turn out to be so dam complicated? everything i do revolves round food and its what im thinking about most of the time. my weight stops me going out, doing things, seeing people etc the feelings of guilt over eating anythin are so extreme, i struggle to cope. im sure lots of people feel this? i  self harm (tho not so much anymore) cuz my feelings cant get out anyother way. i just get SO low its beyond words. and it needs to change.

i cant eat normally. ive tried t oget help but no one can help me. on one hand i wish i was just normal but on the other hand, the ed is part of me and i rely on it. i cant get rid of it. im not ready either.

my eating goals are basically fast and eat veg. as always. i dont drink alcohol anymore, i just drink water n sometimes diet coke. but too much caffeine and i cant sleep. hmph. when i pass my driving test i wanna go gym each day for a few hours. i love the gym. test is on monday. hope i pass so much. argh.

 anyway im just sitting here staring at the screen, cant be bothered to write anymore. i just hope thenext time i write will be to update about losing weight